In this fast pace society with its ideology of disposable or
easy replacement people, we are seeing to more people who neither understand
the meaning of marriage nor respect the marriage of others. I tend to believe
that the true meaning of a legal marriage and its stages of developments has no
meaning to some people because they are either too far from the teaching of
church (no matter their denomination) or never took the truism of the Bible
serious from the start. However,
it is true that the institution of marriage is not a perfect one, but it is a chosen lifestyle in which two
people agreed to accept as long as there is no abuse, the warts, moles, and all other imperfects that
crop up over the decades of a marriage ,
as well as the all of good that comes along too.
I believe Dr. Paul R. Giblin in his article 'Stages of
Growth in Marriage', which was posted in For your marriage.org,
clarified marriage best. Like my husband and I, you will probably see where you stand are
in Dr. Giblin’s stages of marriage as well, and if you are lucky like us, you will be able
to say “Thank you God, for seeing us through it.”
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By Paul R. Giblin, Ph.D.
Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and
flexibility.
Social scientists have observed that marriages typically
move through a series of at least
four stages. Each stage presents unique learning
opportunities and blessings, along with
challenges and obstacles. Progression through these stages
is thought to be cyclic. This
means couples can move through the stages several times in
their lives, each time with
an increasing understanding of what is involved for having
been there before. Sometimes
these stages can feel like a new marriage. Couples move
through these stages at
different rates. Failure to accomplish the tasks of one
stage can inhibit movement and
growth through later stages.
Stage One – Romance,
Passion, Expansion and Promise
In the beginning of a relationship partners often
communicate effortlessly and at length.
They seem to intuit each other’s needs and wishes and go out
of their way to please and
surprise each other. Couples begin to develop a strong sense
of “we.” Individual
differences are minimized, if noticed at all; partners are
very accepting. Joy, excitement,
happiness and hope abound. Partners present and elicit their
best selves. Life seems
expansive and promising. It is a time of sharing dreams and
romance. At this stage
couples’ prayer is often filled with thanksgiving and
praise. God feels very close and
responsive. This is a time to be remembered and cherished.
Stage Two – Settling
down and Realization
The high energy and intensity of Stage One inevitably give
way to the ordinary and
routine. Ideally, in Stage Two couples learn to deepen their
communication skills. They
work to understand and express their wants, needs, and feelings.
They learn to be honest
and vulnerable and to listen actively to each other. They
become aware of differences not
noticed previously and develop strategies for dealing with
them. Couples learn about give
and take, negotiation and accommodation. In prayer they seek
clarity about what is going
on within one’s own as well as one’s partner’s heart and
mind. For some couples God
may not seem as close while others experience Him more
intensely.
Stage Three –
Rebellion and Power Struggles
Spouses cannot always live up to each other’s expectations.
They will disappoint and
unintentionally hurt each other. They now become intensely
aware of their differences and
may use control strategies to bring back the desired
balance. Power struggles are
common. Blame, judgment, criticism and defensiveness are
likely outcomes. Fear and
anxiety enter the relationship. Couples’ thinking can narrow
into either/or, right/wrong,
good/bad polarities.
Ideally, couples learn about forgiveness and accommodation
in this stage. They learn to
deal constructively with anger and hurt. A supportive
community becomes especially
important.
This is also the time when individuality and independence
rise to the surface. While the
early relationship emphasized a strong sense of we, now
couples need to find ways to
honor autonomy and separateness. They learn how to be an
individual in a committed
relationship. Couples’ prayer is often about petition and
spontaneous lament. God can
seem distant and unresponsive and/or quite
present
Stage Four –
Discovery, Reconciliation, and Beginning Again
Couples can push through the previous stage through deepened
communication, honesty
and trust. Ideally, they discover and create a new sense of
connection. They learn more
about each other’s strengths and vulnerabilities. They learn
to identify and talk about their
fears instead of acting them out. They refuse to judge or
blame their partner; they
translate their complaints into requests for change. They
move from win/lose to win/win
conflict strategies.
Partners see each other in a new light, as gifted and
flawed, just as they themselves are
gifted and flawed. Empathy and compassion increase. They
learn to appreciate and
respect each other in new ways; they learn not to take each
other for granted. They find a
new balance of separateness and togetherness, independence
and intimacy. Their
thinking becomes more expansive and inclusive. A new hope
and energy return to the
relationship. Prayer focuses on gratitude and thanksgiving,
and couples often move to a
more honest and mature relationship with God.
Additional Challenges and Stages
Many couples will encounter additional life cycle stages,
each with their own blessings
and challenges. Just like marriage, creating a family will
elicit the best and the worst, the
gifts and the limitations of the parents. It is another
opportunity to learn about cooperation
and becoming a team, about dealing with differences and
conflicts, and about taking time
to pause and choose. Parenting is a spiritual journey that
involves not only the growth of
the children but the growth of the parents. Like marriage,
it will have many opportunities
to surrender and die to self, to let go and to grieve.
Other life cycle challenges include illness, unemployment
and other financial crises,
retirement, and the death of one’s partner. Many couples
must take care of the older
generation while letting go of the younger one.
Conclusion
Growth throughout the marital journey requires openness and
flexibility. For people of
faith, it also means being alert to the mysterious working
of the Holy Spirit. Contemporary
culture wants answers and certainty; faith requires trust
and surrender. The invitation to
the marital journey, and the resources to undertake it, come
from God. God gives us
enough clarity to take the next few steps, even if we cannot
see the entire road and where
it will end.
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We sincerely hope you found this recreation of Dr. Giblin article, 'Stages of
Growth in Marriage,' as informative and beneficial as we have for our marriage.
